Oy. So yesterday was our third ER visit in the last ~1 month. This is new - before last month it had been many years since visiting a hospital. We're physically falling apart at the seams. :-( I know we haven't posted much this month, but we haven't been feeling that great, and work has..
We're doing OK. The week off work helped, and Saoirse is back at work, doing Saoirse things. We did have a detour through the local ER a week and a half ago to get stitched up - Janet managed to hurt the body by accident while moving heavy things she shouldn't have tried to move..
GAH. Mind is all over the place tonight. My Saoirse side and Janet side are in conflict - we're probably as separate from each other as we've been in quite a while. The key disagreement is about work, and taking an unpaid leave of absence of 5 days. Saoirse, of course, is against it. Why..
If you had asked 6 months ago if I had forgiven my father, I probably would have said yes. I thought I was done with all that. It appears I was not. I'm pissed that he never acknowledged his behavior and its effect on his family. I'm pissed that he never grew as a human..
We're kind of all over the place tonight. This afternoon, Saoirse received word that our father had died. Celebratory Ice Cream was ordered, and tears of relief were shed... and for a few hours it looked like that would be that. That was, however, not that. While some in the system, like Saoirse, are truly..
It seems with Saoirse 2.0 there is also Janet 2.0. It's different, that's for sure. We weren't as separate, I just strongly shifted from "Saoirse-ish" to "Janet-ish". It's all in my memory bank - at least the hard, cold facts. I didn't really record the emotions Janet-ish me expressed, though? I'm still working all that..
I have no idea exactly where I end and Saoirse begins - that's kind of extra blurry now. For awhile its like we merged, and then Saoirse pulled away, but we're still stuck together more than we were before? I don't know how to explain it. I know that I've mostly been asleep for weeks..
One of the fun things about DID is you essentially get all the dissociative disorders. It's like a combo meal. Today for lunch we're having serious DPDR (Depersonalization/Derealization). Basically no one is really solidly buckled into the driver's seat. Saoirse is there, and is typing this, but is watching themselves from kind of floaty 3rd..
It was Love that brought me back. My love for my system, their love for me - I'm Saoirse 2.0 because of love. And yes, I am still working out what version 2.0 means. That's a topic for another blog post. My therapist said something that surprised me the other week. He mentioned "the L..
Believe it or not, that last post was written in a stream of consciousness, without any real editing. That's pretty much a raw view of what its like sometimes in my head. <laugh> Twenty five years ago that would have been written out long hand in a journal while in a ritual circle. There would..