[Editor’s Note: Saoirse & Janet were co-conscious in this post.]

Really like the new Pulmonologist. All kinds of tests to run over the next few weeks, but the guy is being very thorough. He’d already talked to my cardiologist, knew all about me, and is even going to reach out to my psychiatrist about my medications. He also spent nearly an hour with me.

He made an interesting comment I did not expect. It was that even with a perfect diet, with the medication I’m on it may actually be physiologically impossible for me to lose weight, given that he can’t tell me to start an exercise program due to my PH. I’ve known for years that I’ve gained a lot of weight on Zyprexa. Yes, I eat far from a perfect diet, but I feel a bit vindicated. He said weight loss surgery may be the only thing that will work. He also wants to get me off Zyprexa, which is known for major weight gain. The reason Zyprexa is still part of the daily pill diet is that, besides the weight gain, its the best medication for being bipolar that I’ve ever been on. It was not the first, second, or even third drug in its class that was tried. I’m trying to remember, but I think it was the fourth or fifth.

[An aside – we take a fuck ton of medications. Two antidepressants of different types, two atypical antipsychotics, a mood stabilizer… then there are the two blood pressure meds, the asthma meds…. the occasional use anxiety med, the PTSD nightmare med the can only be taken when we’re really, really having a hard time because it messes with our vision… I mean, Walgreens should have our picture on the wall. The reason for the “2 of this, 2 of that” is that we react poorly to a LOT of medications at higher dosages. Hell, we react poorly to a LOT of medications at lower dosages. It doesn’t matter what type – psychiatric, allergy meds, muscle relaxants – we’ve gotten freaky rare side effects like anaphylaxis, hallucinations, you name it. Oh, and the same drug may not work exactly the same for every alter. Don’t ask us how that works. With I think one exception, we’re not on a really high dose of anything… We’re just on a shotgun splatter of meds that has been arrived at through years (decades) of trial and error. While its all well and good to talk about dropping Zyprexa, messing with the psychiatric meds can go very wrong. And no, you can’t medicate away DID – been there, tried that.]

And yes, we switched mid-blog post. We (Team SJ) are co-conscious right now. Think of it as having a car with a passenger. If the passenger wants, they can sometimes reach over and tug the wheel… or fight over what radio station to listen to. While it can be a bit uncomfortable, its also not at all a bad thing – it means both of us are aware of what’s going on, and that we can talk to each other directly inside our head. (In schizophrenia you hear voices from outside, I’m told. Also, someone with DID doesn’t believe their cat is trying to steal their thoughts through alien technology…. different disorders, often confused, but very different.)

There are levels of co-consciousness. Sometimes you’re in the front seat and can see everything. Sometimes you’re in the back seat and only get a partial view. And sometimes you’re bound and gagged in the trunk. We’re a special pair because we can pull this off with each other. The more stressed or triggered we are, the more likely one of us is in the trunk, and not the front seat. Part of the whole “team” structure in our system is based on who can more easily be co-con with who. Saoirse is co-con with Sharon only a few times a year – thus, different team. They actually have to write each other to communicate. Janet is pretty much never co-con with anyone but Saoirse, but can do it much more often – thus, same team. If you’re wondering, yes, we’ve considered that Janet and Saoirse may integrate into one personality at some point…. but our experience has been that’s just something that kind of happens in its own time. We can’t just say “hey, let’s integrate”, even if we wanted to. Doesn’t work that way.

And good god this blog post is a wandering disaster of topics. We find that’s one of the downsides of being co-con, its harder to focus. I guess its kind of like texting while driving. lol