I turned 25 days old today! <grin> Oh, and 47 years old yesterday. 25 sounds better.

I’m still pretty spacey, although I’ve put in a ton of work over the last few days. Of all my ways of coping, I guess I like the workaholic solution the best. Saoirse would be proud.

The truth is, I’m scared to fall asleep. Between nightmares and dangerously low oxygen levels at night, sleep is not the refuge it was for Janet.

The CPAP is kind of a failure. Oh, it works great, especially with the oxygen added to it….. but I rarely make it through a night without finding out “I” took it off part way through. I might have started to figure this one out a little, as I’ve just had a flashback of being anally raped with a hand over my mouth the other night… I’m not positive who the hand belongs to. It doesn’t really matter, I guess. The point being, I felt that panic with the hand over my mouth because in the flashback my nose was stopped up, and it was really hard to breathe. That was actually the part of the flashback that felt the scariest. Oh, sexual assault? It happens. But hand over mouth making it hard to breathe? That caused a panic. <sad laugh>

I’ve actually gotten pieces of this flashback before. I still don’t have the whole memory. I can’t see anything. I just physically feel it. And when I say that, I mean it feels like its happening all over again – PTSD rocks. Some of the most disturbing stuff is split between alters in this fashion in my system. Someone has the body memory, someone may see it like a movie on a distant TV with the sound turned off, etc. It adds a lot of confusion to an already shitty experience. What I have now with this one is the physical sensations, but whereas before it was just a quick memory of the hand, this time was more… complete.

I know, waaaay TMI. But that’s what its like to have DID folks, at least for me. I may as well make this an unflinching account.

So yeah, I think that the heavy CPAP mask is triggering the “he has his hand over my mouth” memory stream for someone. Which means whatever mask I try (I think I’m on my 4th or 5th?), I may be dooooomed. So tonight I’m going to try just sleeping with my oxygen cannula (the little nose tube thing) and see if THAT works. Wish me luck!

It’s been a rough 3 weeks of life, I tell you. Thankfully I have an awesome job, with somewhat flexible hours, with an extremely wonderful boss. Work is a blessing. Financially, last year was the best year I’ve ever had. Which I needed, because when I started back to work a couple years ago I was in over $100,000 of credit card debt. I’m proud to announce that when the sale of my old manufactured home finalizes at the end of the month, I will finally be debt free.

Of course, the *LAST* time I said “I’m free of debt!” it seems like I had a complete breakdown a few weeks later. So yeah, not allowed this time, OK headmates? 😉 I need my job. It keeps me sane. I’d also like a chance to enjoy being debt free for awhile.

For those people out there who think DID is just a scam to get benefits, all T-E-Cs major breakdowns over the last 20-some-odd years have been privately financed. <laugh> We were on Social Security Disability for a bit in our early 20s, but fought to get off it and go back to work. Since then we work a few years, breakdown for a year or two, work a year, etc. While we’ve taken advantage of Short Term Disability at work a few times, the loooong ass periods of being broken have all happened without employment. We’ve been in 6 figure debt several times. And I prefer that, honestly.

Maybe it’s just my pride, but what-was-Saoirse-me *hates* being on disability. I’m glad its there for people who need it. But they make you beg for scraps and crumbs, in my view. I’d gladly pay more in taxes if it actually made it to the poor. Everyone deserves the necessities of life – shelter, food, safety, etc.

Wow, what a ramble.